The Soldier Next Door

My heart is shattered.

I nearly lost Ana today. It was so damn close; I could always feel her slip from my reach. It fucking kills me; it is eating me up alive; I cannot protect my wife!

I felt so goddamn helpless; it felt that there was nothing that I could do; it was all out of my hands.

Now I am standing outside with Gibbs, and I can hardly even catch my breath. The only desire I have now is to burst into a flood of tears and cry. I am supposed to be strong, but I feel weak to the bone.

I don’t, and I cannot fucking do this.

I cannot lose Ana.

I have no idea who can be behind this; god knows that I have made my fair share of enemies between some of the boys in the Corps. But who would stoop to such a level to try and kill me and even with Ana with me in the car? Most of the guys in our platoon know that she is pregnant.

What sick fuck would do such a thing?

Well, I am going to have to do the hardest thing that I will ever do in my life. So it is with hesitant steps that I make my way inside. There I find Ana lying on the couch in a little bundle, and by her short rapid breaths, I know that she is busy crying.

As I walk up to her, I gently lift her head from the armrest and place it on my lap as I sit down. Looking deep into those eyes, it breaks my heart. Seeing those brown eyes swim in nothing but sorrow is the worst torture I have ever felt in my life. I feel like falling into an abyss and simply disappear.

Ana is in pain.

God, this hurts.

I need to pull myself together.

So with the biggest desperation inside my heart, I pull her in my arms… Fuck I never want to let go. I wish that I could take away what happened today, but I cannot do a thing.

I cannot do a thing.

So as I take her face gently in my hands, I look in those eyes that make me crumble in so many ways, and…my heart breaks. But the moment is too hard for her to bear; she only but turn her head away. It kills me; it rips my heart open and tears my soul apart. I lay in waste. God knows that I would have never forgiven myself if something happened to her and the baby out there today.

Ya, I feel like I messed up.

And I messed it up good. But I need her to understand one thing though before I tell her of the decision that I have made.

“Ana, I love you.”

Ya, that is me. These damn things won’t stop running down my face. Then in my last attempt to have one thing before I let go, I try to take her hand and guess what, now she is pushing me away. Yes, I know she is only but protecting her heart now.

But fuck, why do we have to break.

So I watch as she makes an elegant exit to the room, she is holding herself together far better than I am. And hold she does as I watch her sway those hips from side to side, watching her move even further away from me. She in that damn tight dress, and as I watch her disappear through the door, the last bit that was Ethan Hunter falls into a black hole.

I cannot do this. I need to fucking pull myself together; I cannot let Gibbs see me fall apart. And it is with this in mind that I make my way outside.NôvelDrama.Org owns all © content.

But as I step outside, I see that Ray has just arrived.

Now, I don’t know if he is going to rip my heart out even more than it is lying on the floor, but something is about to happen, and god, I am not prepared for it. So before he questions this look, I prepare myself to give him the news.

Ya, here it goes.

“Ray, we ran into trouble today.”

“What trouble, Ethan? You look pretty messed up?” I take the biggest breath that I would ever take in my life. “We had a hit today; someone rammed the car.” I stop for a brief moment and continue without him even having to ask, “Ana is fine, but fuck for a minute, there it was, touch and go.”

Not even saying a single word to me, Ray bursts through the door in search of Ana. Now I don’t know if he is going to come back and break every bone in my body, so I wait. To say that my damn ass is not trembling would be the biggest understatement of the year.

I can simply not take it anymore. I cannot protect Ana and Ray is about to come to give me a good full mouth of his words.

So as I start pacing the floor, I am trying to think of all the reasons why I am about to make the next biggest decision of my life.

And just as I am about to complete shatter, Ray comes back through the door.

He is furious.

I don’t know what Ana has told him, but I am willing to take whatever needs to come my way. So it is with tormented anticipation that I wait for him to speak.

“Ethan, what the fuck are you going to do? She is not happy; she is blaming herself.”

“But why? Why would she blame herself? If anything, then it is my fault.”

“Hey, stop that. None of you could have prevented that from happening today. The thing is, who is behind this?”

“I have given Gibbs the number on the plates.”

With that, Ray, give me a slight pat on the back as he tries to reassure me that everything will be fine. Well, fine is not what I am, and neither is Ana.

With that, I nearly burst into tears again.

For fuck sakes, get a grip, Ethan.

But that is not going to happen, for next, I head back inside, those stuttering breaths come back and take over to suffocate my chest. And it is those very same breaths that need to calm down, for I am stepping into the room to see if Ana is okay.

“Boo, I…”

“Ethan, don’t even start. It is not your fault. Do you understand me?”

“Loud and clear.”

But I need to protect her.

So much to her confusion, she watches me as I grab a bag and start packing some of her clothes inside. The more I pack, the more she tries to stop me, “Ethan, what are you doing?”

“Boo, I need for you to go to your mom or even mine.”

She bursts out in a fit of tears as she keeps pulling my arm away from packing more of her stuff into the suitcase. It breaks my fucking heart that I have to do this, but this is the only way that I can protect her. If she is not around me, then she would not get hurt.

Then for a brief moment as I stop, “Boo, this is for the best. This is the only way that I can protect you and the baby.”

“No!” I hear her voice echo to every crack and crevice; it is deafening and breaks what is the last of my heart that has been sliced open. “I am not running away like a coward.”

“Boo, I am sorry, but this is not going to be negotiable. You are going back home whether you like it or not.”

“Ethan,” I hear her voice raise in anger, “You will not tell me what I should do.”

“I am your fucking husband, and that is my child, and you will do as I tell you to.” As every single word leaves my lips, I feel as if those sliced pieces disappear into a black hole.

I am crushed.

I am sending the very person that I cannot live without away from me. I am taking my love and my lifeline away from me.

And take, well, I can’t do that anymore either. As I step into the lounge with her suitcase, my body crashes to the floor, and that incredible pain consumes me. It presses every breath of fresh air from my lungs. It is with trembling hands and an uncontrollable sob.

So as I take the suitcase outside to pack it into the car, I look at Gibbs, and his own eyes have turned into what can only be a portion of the sorrow that I feel.

Then as he steps closer to me, “Do you want me to drive her down?”

I only but nod my head, “I cannot bear to say goodbye. But I have to, surely you understand?”

“Ethan, I would have done the same. Now I will go call her so that we can leave this very moment.”

“Thank you, Gibbs.”

And with that, I stand there in silence as Ana makes her way outside. But as I try to pull her into my arms, she pushes me away, “Ethan, please, please don’t do this. I need you, dammit I love you. Please don’t do this to me, don’t do this to us. Please.”

“God, boo, I love you, but…”