The Soldier Next Door

Seriously, fuck you. I have had enough.

Imagine me coming home from training with the boys, in a very upbeat mood and looking forward to seeing my wife with our little baby bump.

But ya…

All I find is a little note saying that she has left.

I am tired of losing Ana.

Around every corner, there is a hole that I need to trip through…and…

I have had enough.

I once believed I knew what love is.

Ana Hunter…

I was satisfied with a mediocre life, a mediocre relationship. You know, the same old, same old – “He cares about me, I care about him”;

“I will never find anything better than this.” stuff.

All that fucking bullshit.

I actually thought that I had found my ‘forever after.’ The person I’ll eventually end up with.

Ana came into my life and changed my whole existence from its core. From the very first moment our eyes met, I knew there was something much more powerful between us than a simple, flirty gaze.

She showed me that love has no limits; she revealed a whole new dimension of me. Something I’ve never felt before. Something I’ve never experienced in my life.

I have no words to describe what I feel about her. But I’ll give it a try…

You are my destined soulmate. The love of my life. The one true keeper of my heart.

Even though you fucking broke it so many times…it was…and is still yours.

And do you know why?

Do you know what makes you so fucking special in my life?

YOU!

I love your eyes. The spark in those big brown eyes when you are passionate about something. Your determination to achieve the things you find inspiring.

I love how your penetrating, fiery gaze made the butterflies in my stomach crazy from the very first minute I saw you.

I love the way your look caresses me gently, but at the same time, I adore the way it makes me blush like a shy little boy.

I love you because you understand my soul. Because you know exactly what to say or do at any given moment.

I love you because I feel like we’re connected on every possible level in this universe.

It feels surreal. Infinite. Magical.

I love you because you are a beautiful, genuine, one-of-a-kind person. I love you because you possess the purest heart in the whole universe.

Even though you are full of fucking shit!

But what else…

I love you because you are one hell of a crazy fucking ass, just like me. I love your wild side and passion for exploring.Original from NôvelDrama.Org.

I love your excitement and crazy determination.

I love you because you put up with me, even though I sometimes tend to sound very irrational. Let’s say borderline psychotic.

I love you because you never stopped fighting for me.

I love your intense and limitless sexual energy; it electrifies my body every time you come near me. I love you because I’m your greatest weakness in bed.

I love you because you make me the happiest man in the universe.

Yet, you can make me the fucking saddest one too.

I love you because you have the power to drive me crazy and make me feel the way I’ve never felt before. I love you because you finally understood what ‘reaching a state of ecstasy’ feels like.

I love the smell of your skin. The warmth of your hands. The sensuality of your kiss. The energy that is flowing through your touch and collides with every particle of my body.

I love you because you are my best friend.

And you are my biggest fucking enemy too.

I love you because you know the rhythm of my heart.

I love you because you are the tide to my ocean. You know how to calm me down, but at the same time, you know exactly what it takes to drive me crazy and make me beg for more.

I love you because you feel like home to me.

And this fucking hurts.

I know that I drove you to do things that I think you would have never done if did not meet me.

So for this…

I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the sadness that paralyzes you, the sadness that makes you feel like you’re pushing yourself forward just to go through the motions.

I am sorry for the pain that stings you and makes you feel like I am pouring salt right onto your open wounds. I am sorry for the doubt that plagues you; the doubt that makes you feel like love is a risk that’s no longer worth taking.

Perhaps that is why you left.

I feel like it’s my fault.

I tried for a really long time to protect you; I built a wall as high as those that rise up around castles, strong and thick enough to keep a tempest of emotions at bay. I promised you that I would keep you safe, that I wouldn’t let harm come your way that no one could get in unless we really wanted him to.

And I fucking failed!

But how prepared could we have been? It happened all in the blink of an eye.

Things changed…

Piece by piece, the walls came down, or maybe day by day, you just grew bigger and fuller. And then, one night, you just burst through.

You changed. Us changed.

A higher purpose was supposed to happen. Yet, I still wanted to protect you. I still wanted you around.

But you wouldn’t have any of it; I was scared for you, but you felt so confident. You stood as powerful yet as vulnerable as ever, and you found your voice. I listened as the feelings materialized, as the words ran through the air like you were crossing a finish line. You were steady, prepared, and proud.

You knew that you had to become Ana Hunter, and you were ready…

Me? Never. I never wanted to fucking lose you the way it did.

Yet, I still promised that I would keep you safe. “Promise me,” you said, “That you won’t break me.”

“I promise.”

That was that: You were sold.

And what happened? I could not even fucking protect myself.

Yet you were out there, and you were running through the hills singing, splashing through ocean waves, drinking in the sun and the sky, and sparkling with the night stars. You were young and free, and the rubble from the broken walls looked like pebbles in the distance.

You were folding over in smiles; you danced to the beat of a new drum and developed a rhythm that only love could create. You were just so far gone.

You were being Ana Jenkins…

I should have kept my wits about me, I should have kept you from wandering too far astray, but life happened too fast.

You were not ready. You thought you were.

And, yes, I was right there with you.

What a perfect type of love?

But when before all of this happened, I told you, but you did not want to listen, “Ana,” I said. “This world is not made for a woman.”

And I guess you said to me, “Fuck you.”

That is when I lost you for the first time!

I couldn’t feel you; you had disappeared into nothing.

For a while, I wondered whether it was possible to live life without a pulse. “Please come back! Please!” I kept yelling. I wasn’t sure whether I was yelling that for your sake or mine.

Then it hit me.

You are not ever going to come back again. I felt like an anchor that just sank to the bottom of deep, dark ocean waters. I throbbed with sadness, and there was nothing I could do to get you back.

I felt so helpless; I felt heavy and tried to put on a brave face. “It was for the best,” I try to tell myself.

But do you know what? It is not for the best, and I am not going to sink to that fucking bottom of the ocean no more. And you, Ana Hunter, I don’t care if you become the goddamn pope; you are not going to sink anywhere either.

DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!

Yes, I can see that beautiful lips pout and say, “Leave me alone.” But guess what, you can pound through my heart as many times as you want; I am not going anywhere.

There is light in all that darkness that is now consuming you; yes, it is scary, but you know that love is also scary, and it is beautiful. It is not something to fear or be afraid of. So even though that stubborn heart of yours won’t ever love me the way I do you, hold onto that little bit that it does and find your way back to me.

I cannot lose you.

I AM TIRED OF LOSING YOU!

I am sure you can find some other ways to break this heart. But I am begging you!

Please come back!