Leave Me Behind

Bunny’s head bobs peacefully against my shoulder as I carry her down to the stream near the base. We bathe here during the day so I’m confident no one will be here this late.

It was a miracle no one heard what transpired inside that tent. It smells entirely of sex and blood in there and I’ll be spending the rest of the night cleaning up.

It was worth it.

My eyes leave the dark dirt path ahead and focus down on Bunny’s long lashes. She’s out cold. I didn’t think I was that rough with her. She certainly seemed to enjoy herself though.

A grin lifts the corner of my mouth.

The mountain is quiet tonight and for the first time in years, the silence is reciprocated in my mind. I’m exhausted. From fucking the daylights out of my comrade and from trying to figure out why I seem to be so infatuated with her.

I stop at the water’s edge and gently set her down.

She stirs and blinks drowsily at me. Panic flashes across her face when she realizes we’re no longer in the tent.

“Where are we?” She sits up slowly, wincing in pain. I feel a bit sorry for it, though I don’t voice it.

“We need to get cleaned up. We look like carnage right now and I’m sure you’re… sore.” I try to put it delicately because my ire for her has been properly extinguished for the night. I’m mildly disturbed with the idea that I actually want to be gentle with her right now.

Her brows pull together but she doesn’t argue with me. She tries to stand but her legs are still unsteady. I dip in and catch her before she can tilt and fall on her ass.

A sharp breath escapes her lips. Our noses are lined up and for a few moments we just stare into each other’s eyes. Her irises are a sunset brown. I could stare into them forever and bathe in the peace she brings me. The scar over the ridge of her jaw makes me yearn to know the story behind it, to share sweet nothings while we lie together and fall asleep. I want to hold her and banish my loneliness.

But I know we can’t do that. I don’t even know why I want to.

I dismiss the thoughts.

Bunny’s throat bobs and brings me out of my mind.

I straighten and hold her close to my chest.

She looks up at my face timidly before glancing at our surroundings. “Shouldn’t you be wearing your mask?”

Ah. Is that why she was looking at me so intensely? I mute the idea, the hope that she was looking at my face because she finds me as alluring as I find her.

“It’s fine. Everyone is asleep and the watch post is on the other side of camp.”

She nods slowly as if she doesn’t completely believe me. What should I say? That I’m not wearing it because I want to feel like a person when I’m with her? That sometimes even I need a break from being a muzzled beast?

“I’ll help you.” I change the subject as I guide her toward the water bank. There’s an off-channel pool there that is probably a bit warmer than the main stream.

I’m surprised she’s being so compliant but, then again, she’s filthy and weak from our little playtime together.

Her muscles tighten as I unzip the coat I loaned her. I let it fall to the riverbank. She’s completely naked beneath it. My jaw sets at the cut along her ribs and the deep red of her knees.

I did this to her.

Why won’t she just quit?

I force my eyes away and remove my clothes before guiding her into the water. It’s cold and goosebumps trail up her arms swiftly. Her face is stoic, though, not letting a hint of the chill come across her features. Maybe it feels nice on her wounds. I’m sure they burn.

“Who was Abrahm to you exactly?” she asks softly as I set her down on my knee and rub the blood from her shoulders. His name isn’t as painful to hear when she says it softly, like she is now. She seems so set on learning more about him, but what’s the point in learning about ghosts and lost things? She’ll never know him like I did. She’ll never see how his smile was so like hers. How his stubbornness wore into me the way she does.

I don’t like to think about him.

It’s terrible to try and forget someone as precious as he was, but the agony always flares back to life when I try to remember what he looks like. I can’t remember his eyes anymore. His jaw and smile come back with little thought, but his eyes… his soul. I can’t remember it. And that makes me feel sick.

“He was…” I try to find the right words. “He was my peace.”

She brings her hand to my neck and gently washes the blood from my neck. The bite is still fresh and stings, but I let the dull throb of it numb me. My eyes close instinctively at her delicate touch.

“I know that probably doesn’t make sense,” I add, feeling stupid.

Bunny looks at me and a small, sad smile spreads over her lovely lips.

“No. It does… Jenkins was my peace too. He saw me for what I was and he accepted it. Whenever he sat beside me, I felt the world hush and the insects hum softly. I can still feel his smile, the way it made me lean closer and want to hold on to every word he said.” She pauses and stares nostalgically out across the dark water.

Irrationally, I feel jealous that she still loves a dead man. I don’t want her to feel that way for anyone… Though, I guess it’d be okay if she felt that way about me.

She looks up at me sadly and lets out a half-laugh on a sigh. “I always thought we’d die together. Or at least me before him. I was supposed to protect him.”

My hand raises to her face before I realize it. I brush the pad of my thumb over her cheek and she startles, looking up at me with those shadowed doe eyes.

“I’m glad it wasn’t you,” I admit, perhaps because in the dark I feel like I can. “He wouldn’t have been able to survive without his second.”

The way I didn’t survive without mine. But, somehow, I’m still here, as a shell of myself. I know if she follows me into battle, into the fire, I’d die if she took a bullet for me. Riøt or not. I can’t deny that I care about her and that thought scares the shit out of me.

She washes the blood from my chest, delicately moving her fingers across my skin like a lover would. If I shut my eyes and imagine a different life, I wouldn’t be a monster; she wouldn’t be a killer. We’d be normal, maybe in love.

“You’ll convince me you don’t hate my guts if you keep talking like this,” she mutters and looks away. I scoot her off my knee and she stands steadily now in the water.

“Don’t get your hopes up, Bunny.” I dip my head back into the water and remerge cold and determined. “Let’s get back before Eren notices we’re gone.” The edge is back to my voice and I leave her standing in the water alone and shivering.

She’s too easy to talk to. If I’m not careful I’d tell her all my secrets, hopes, and dreams. I’d tell her everything.

But I don’t exist on paper. Neither does she. No one in the dark forces does. So what would be the point of sharing dreams? When we die, it’s for good. Nothing to mourn. My thoughts and words won’t matter.Property belongs to Nôvel(D)r/ama.Org.

I glance back once to make sure she got out of the water. Her lithe figure steams with the heat of her body.

She might think I broke her tonight, but it’s she who has broken me.